Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?

the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth

me: a lot of people are saying that

Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.

Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?

Ancient wolves be like:

Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.

Eminem walks into a bar.

Bartender: You only get one shot.

[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile

I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them

My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*

Me: Well. Hi.

My cat: You’re very clingy.

“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”

–Pluto, the former planet

Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed

Lion eating me: sorry

[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”

Updating my dating profile….

My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh

These quiet electric cars are really annoying… I have to stop scrolling and look up while walking outside now!

If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM

screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them

Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”

You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma

If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.

While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.

My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.

If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.

Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike

Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒

What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.

Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.

“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.

We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids

My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.

In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.