Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.

waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not

My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.

Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it

I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE

me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava

doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan

Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.

“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”

Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold

How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?

It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.

I’m about to put on a white shirt.

going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason

My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?

I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.

ME: I love u

GF: omg

ME: and I wanna be with u always

GF: *crying*

ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–

GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG

Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.

Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?

Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.

I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money

Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight

If anyone wants my boiling water recipe dm me

Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?

I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.

(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)

If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.

me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?

When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.

Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store

Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock

Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…

*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*

Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience

My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]

I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.