Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….

I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.

Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef

Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?

When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.

More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs

i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks

Teacher: Fill out the parent form.

Me: Why?

Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.

Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.

I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality

Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.

Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.

I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.

Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.

Why is it spelled camouflage and not

Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral

Me: to when? The 90’s?

A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”

Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.

I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.

I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.

The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.

Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?

Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.

Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.

Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.

So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.

BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.

Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics

My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.

in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…

our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score

[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady

I tuxedo what I tuxewant.

Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it