Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.

Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.

My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.

Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.

If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.

Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.

$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?

NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED

This rocks

[halftime]

Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*

Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.

Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.

Me: you forgot updog.

Yoga Instructor: what’s up-

Wife: -NOOOO!

the prophecy has been fulfilled

they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead

Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.

Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.

Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi

If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.

Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”

Magazines are for your self esteem.

-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.

Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.

“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is

wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

me: *imagining it* no but I want to

They did not think through this water fountain

Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.

me: *finally catching up financially*

the brakes on my car: hehe

guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.

My best quality: telling it like it is.

My worst quality: telling it like it is.

I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.

[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail