Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[heaven]

Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.

Batman’s parents: Same.

When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.

You: Say something good about 2020

Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.

stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses

Roses are red
Violets are blue

What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender

NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”

I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years

keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break

[on knees]

“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”

[from heavens]

“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”

Is fake venison called venisn’t

Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building

You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.

“Is that your dog?”

“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”

Sesame Street: this is an educational show

Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that

Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one

3: Can I be Cinderella?

Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.

3:

Me: Well?

3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?

“Great, now I have to pee.”

wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.

I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom

Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.

DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again

ME, AN OCTOPUS: what

Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today

“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”

ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?

BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.

ROBIN: What?

BATMAN: What?

girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week

i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks

[To Police Sketch Artist]

Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”

Sketch Artist:…

Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”

The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile

Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.