Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
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Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.