Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between

*first day as a cop*

What if they arrest me back

date: so how are you?

me: I’m doing good! how are-

guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”

date: who the hell is that

me: I told you I had a corrections officer

Me: *eating turkey*

Cartographer: My work!

Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”

“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir

6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes

Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.

[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys

Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.

Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years

Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.

There’s anxiety and then there’s my 4yo counting to 10 really fast because we’re playing hide and seek and oh my gosh I haven’t found a hiding spot yet

{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?

There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.

doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live

me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure

doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure

I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.

Advantage: human.

[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho

16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me

*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*

My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”

I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.

Why procrastinate today

When you could procrastinate tomorrow

i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet

“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”

*unbuttons pants*

“Not anymore!”

what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet

Friend: My car is making a weird noise

Me: Have you tried essential oils?

I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.

Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then

Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.

You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.