Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Updating my dating profile….

My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh

I like my coffee black just like my sabbath

That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.

[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]

I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.

I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.

So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.

yeah I’m excited for Dune 2

dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you

Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.

It’ll teach them to share, we said.

We are idiots.

Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”

“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother

Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?

Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?

I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.

2022 be like

Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.

Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.

I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.

FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.

I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now

Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.

Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy

Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?

Me: Two.

4-year-old: It was nine.

Teaching her to count was a mistake.

Siri: Retweet me.

Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.

Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:

Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%

They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.

If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities