Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
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Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on