“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
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I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado
me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend
husband:
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent