Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are

I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming

A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.

I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops

Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.

What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.

If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store

“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”

Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in

Ron Swanson with nurse:

Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?

“I have an uncle who does yoga”

Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.

You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.

Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired

Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]

Hipster: I’ll take 4

Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones

Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?

Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?

Me: Not really, I’m stuffed

Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check

Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.

Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week

Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.

Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.

Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.

You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.

I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound

So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.

If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.

“How much to hire a church singing group?”

“You mean a choir?”

“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”

The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.

Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.

The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.

If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.

At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments

aladdin: i can show you the world

jasmine: no

aladdin: i can show you a cool bug

jasmine: ok