Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.

Wife: You should shake it out.

Me: Why would I want to do that?

Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer

Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out

Uh oh 👀

I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon

I like to think I’m smart

Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground

A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.

Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.

You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.

My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.

My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!

I can never eat just one Christmas ornament

Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?

Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes

Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round

Going back in time, y’all need anything?

{first date}

HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?

My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave

Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard

GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high five

ME: he bought some dirt

GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok

ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself

Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold

Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*

Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?

Me: (pause) Europe.

There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.

Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.

Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!

-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers

When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane

If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.

I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.

“I’ll be back!”

-boomerangs

-and herpes