Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
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My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.