Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
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angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
dark side of the loom
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
(Electricians.)
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.