Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
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The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy