sooo many straight people never talk to their exes and sooooo many queer people are like “this is my ex-girlfriend we share custody of our dog Skippy she’s the godmother of my children oh and also we own a bar together”
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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Note to self: always read the final line
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.