Sooo many times…..
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Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.