Sooo many times…..
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dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
[Putting petrol in car]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]１９.９８
[very gently]
１９.９９
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]３７.８３
GODDAMMIT
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.