Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
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Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
mood
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
how high up are we talkin’?
Like sleeping!
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me