Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: you’re really fast.

Deer: ok.

God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-

Deer: run away right?

God: no, just [freezes in place].

Deer: got it wait-what?

God: you know just [freezes in place again].

Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS

Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”

He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”

Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.

Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing

wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house

My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?

Me: No

Son: he’s in the ICU

I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.

i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.

Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.

Captain: relax, it’s just a title

Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU

hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??

Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling

*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!

The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.

Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.

Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?

me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief

also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom

going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason

Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.

The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.

I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters

[war]

COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat

DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war

I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.

Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up

I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience

“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”

~Me passing out candy on Halloween

You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.

God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion

Angel: Sounds perfect

God: Lol, they have to pick two of three

Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.