I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
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If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’