Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog

If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.

I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,

“You’re making a big moose steak.”

[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans

A- LOL

G- LOL

Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.

The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”

*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.

Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”

My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.

when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient

I would throw myself under a duvet for you.

Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s

Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks

Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep

My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more

I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.

I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.

13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go

husband: Now is the time to start prepping for dinner, what do we want to get out?

me: How about a pork loin? I think pork loin is my favorite thing that you make.

17yo: I thought we were your favorite thing Dad made.

Every damn time

but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME

Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?

Me: I don’t want to talk about it.

Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT

I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.

my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.

Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs

Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?

They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable

My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”

I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.