Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.

Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back

The rainbow lorikeets outside my office explained that purchasing fancy new binoculars today to see birds better was probably unnecessary.

“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”

Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*

Get off my horse you stupid moon

“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”

i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.

a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS

I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.

So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌

Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie

My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.

Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house

Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room

The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”

Maybe I eat too much pizza …

One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said ‘It’s going to rain.’
His wife asked, ‘How do you know?’
He replied, ‘Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear

*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days

Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.

Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?

Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.

girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!

when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it

When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”

[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]

[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN

To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me

Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack

Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel

Her: That’s so sweet, I-

Green Day is overrated

Her:

I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.

We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:

– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)

cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*