Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]

Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh

My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”

Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.

If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”

BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.

Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.

I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.

May I pay you handsomely, good sir?

-Why yes you may.

*opens wallet*

*pulls out Ryan Gosling*

Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.

The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.

7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?

ME: slowly

7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?

Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway

I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?

You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.

Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.

Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong

Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?

Me: I ordered it battered

Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*

Me: Thanks

i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it

That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.

Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

[My death bed]

*loved ones sobbing*

Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.

If you see a woman over 35 with her chin on her hand looking pensive, she is not deep in thought, she is trying to find that one chin hair that just suddenly appears out of nowhere and is strong enough to anchor a ship.

Me (at a tournament): I win!
*throws ball into the crowd*

Manager of bowling alley: Okay, that’s not right.

Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!

152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.

That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!

Wipe it on Daddy’s

My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.

The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card

Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.