Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr

It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.

I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh

FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!

ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on

Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.

Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.

Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.

Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”

“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”

I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.

(When someone insults something you like.)

“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”

(When someone insults something you hate.)

“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”

8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?

me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?

8yo: no that’s not it

Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets

MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?

BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho

MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.

I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.

HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER

Ok so he just makes this face whenever he meets a president I guess

People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.

MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap

That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.

Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird

I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations

Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*

Everybody: *Hurts*

[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing

[later, at my place]

Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom

Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’

The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.

Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.