Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun

“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”

cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you

me: yeah he was not nice

I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.

[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter

3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!

Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.

*fuzz moves*

Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!

lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw

police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo

Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.

I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.

This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10

The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.

I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.

Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live

I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…

I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.

Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?

Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet

Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that

According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”

Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?

Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.

Wife: Yep

Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.

Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?

Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.

Me: it’s time to go to sleep

3: Nope, I don’t think so

Me: who asked you?!

My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”

It was a penguin.

draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers

me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me

Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.

2: ok

I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.

shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween

Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe

Me: What do you sell here

Waitress: Just desserts

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!