Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ

Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.

waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

me: i’d love it

And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.

Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit

My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”

I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me

Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.

sry

I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”

When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position

“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”

-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving

My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.

Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers

A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV

PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.

KID: Okay.

PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.

ME: So what do you do?

DATE: I’m a chef in the army.

ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.

HER: *already in an Uber

If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?

Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.

But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.

I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.

ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.

ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?

WIFE: The washing machine

Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.

Friend: Long time?

Me: Since lunchtime.

Friend: Until?

Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.

🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶

Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING

Ok who’s got my black socks?

There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.

me the second it drops below 70 degrees

9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?

I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.

When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.