Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
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writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Saturday
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Urban Dictionary defines Heck:
Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.