Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
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I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
People who wear cycle helmets with a little camera on the top can be quite intimidating, especially if it’s the first time you’re having sex with them
date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?