Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
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I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
My therapist after every session
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
What makes us human?
Selecting all images with traffic lights
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???