Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
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they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?
If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can ＳＵＭＭＯＮ ＤＥＭＯＮＳ
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out is Wendy’s.
new dr. seuss book dropping:
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me: