Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
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wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
#Caturday
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
making sure he doesnt get away
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
there’s probably a fee though
Good morning ☺️
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
old twitter is back baby
