Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
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I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
[Me watching football on TV]
Oh man this reminds me of high school
Her: you played football in high school?
Me: no, I watched TV
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
“WHAT DEVILRY HAVE YE WROGHT!” I yell at my kid when I discover what he did to my YouTube algorithm
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…