Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
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One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
There’s no such thing as Sasquatch
Those are just men who live with shedding cats
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
When I said I start work at 6:30 am I meant that I sit at my desk and drink coffee. I didn’t mean that I wanted you to schedule a meeting at that time I hate you now.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.