Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]

Me: I never use essential oils

Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire

I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.

Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.

My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes

*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*

Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.

4: When can I wear 13 shirts?

Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: Are you Keith?

Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:

How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it

Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.

I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage

The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.

~At a snowboarding store.

Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.

Me: i know

Him:…

Me: Wait, what, oh the board…

Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that

[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”

A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time

The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”

That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”

[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!

She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*

Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche

My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂

i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health

[labels account “18+”]

[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]

i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad

Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.

Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.

I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time

Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.

*family reunion*

– flirting shouldn’t be this easy

I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.