“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
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Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
The only reason I insist on returning to the office is because my cat needs a break from me staring at him all day.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.