“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
You Might Also Like
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything