“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
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*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
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Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads