Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
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when you kill a mosquito someone else鈥檚 blood is probably on your hands.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
I think my wife鈥檚 angry with me but it鈥檚 hard to tell coz she鈥檚 pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn鈥檛 be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy鈥檚 entire family.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn鈥檛 in my bed kicking me.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Elton John: 馃幍Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday馃幍
Me: Jesus Christ, we鈥檙e just going bowling.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn鈥檛 add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can鈥檛 find the third.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
no one who鈥檚 ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they鈥檙e on trial for murder.