Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
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*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Morning all.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
My coworker Fred got caught with an underaged girl and nobody laughed when I called him “The Fredator”
Asking the real questions!
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Happy Friday the 13th! Slay the holidays 🛷🎄
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.