“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
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Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.