“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
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Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Duck typos.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.