“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
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I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
never forget
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
I have never related to anyone more.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.