Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute

They say that sex is the best form of exercise.

Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.

Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.

girls in high school: we don’t like you

me: what if i was funny

girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-

me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class

If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.

Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?

7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.

*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*

Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—

*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*

Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday

If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again

CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?

ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small

Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up

[texting]

ME: I like you, I think you’re cute

MY CRUSH: oh um

ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that

[Screams into a dark wishing well]

“I want my coins back!”

If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.

[Commercial for axes]

[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]

*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”

I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.

Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man

I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.

*Job Position: Astrologer*

Interviewer: Tell me about myself

I quit my job to become an archeologist.

My career is in ruins.

Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.

I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.

I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.

I’ll never salute you, General Settings

some cats are just doing for fun!

I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.

New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.

How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good

“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it