weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
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Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.