@NintenDom

Sorry about all the Mario references. I didn’t mean to one-up you. I’ll pipe down.

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@katvonwitt

Local news station is airing a segment on free rent in exchange for sex. Look, you don’t have to tell me how a marriage works.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie

@FrazzleMyGimp

[math class]

ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?

FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?

ME: Uhh-

FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.

ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.

@brianjdunne

[mockarena]

*everyone does the macarena but like really ironically*

@TheCatWhisprer

I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.

@KyleMcDowell86

When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe

@LovestruckLayla

So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.