Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
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Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Scientists have proven that combination locks are a lot harder to open when you have to pee.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what