Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

going to rock bottom do you guys need anything

5: I miss Mama’s food.

Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.

5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.

Me: oh.

5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.

Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood

Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number

Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start

I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.

I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.

The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.

All thanks to the dad.

Papa Razzi.

Goodnight everyone

A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.

“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”

“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”

*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*

when a toddler tells a story

shit just got real

If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.

I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.

It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!

First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.

9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:

I put the “pro” in inappropriate

Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember

Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT

DOG 911: He still holding it?

DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??

ㅤ

pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family

Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza

I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose

Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.

Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.

sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?

ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you

Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.

BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*