Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
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People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.