Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
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Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…
me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
If all the prison guards agree to count the inmates, it’s a con census consensus.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Fruity
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
