Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second

Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.

There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???

I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.

If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.

Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.

Whiskey: Yes you can.

Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…

[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?

Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.

video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.

BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now

‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.

I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.

detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is

me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic

detective: but where exactly?

me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time

That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.

Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?

“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.

I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.

I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.

Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.

I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”

IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe

Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me

IRS: …

Me: hello?

IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail

Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.

Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!

Loan officer: What’s your social?

Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.

genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months

me: i thought i got three wishes right now

genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year

inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no

The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.

People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.

Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done