Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
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Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
School be like
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?