Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.

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It is better to have loved and lost than have your face ripped off by a chimpanzee


Sprawled out on piano

I’m in the mood for a melody.
I’m in the moooood.

Bartender: that’s it. No more Shirley Temples for you.


[AA meeting]

Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist

Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?

M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…


townsfolk: you should come to the festival

me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?

townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?

me: oh i’m going regardless


*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*


YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you


I lost 7 followers today.

It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets


“sir do u know why i pulled u over”
*hands cop box of crayons*
“sir plea-
*hands cop coloring book*
*cop starts coloring*