It is better to have loved and lost than have your face ripped off by a chimpanzee
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
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Sprawled out on piano
I’m in the mood for a melody.
I’m in the moooood.
Bartender: that’s it. No more Shirley Temples for you.
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Absence makes the heart want to fondle other people
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
*wears reindeer antlers*
*steals your wallet*
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
“sir do u know why i pulled u over”
*hands cop box of crayons*
*hands cop coloring book*
*cop starts coloring*