Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?

me: i guess so

7: and because she likes books?

me: um…yeah

7: but at least she’s pretty right?

me: …let’s watch moana instead

“WHAT DO WE WANT”

“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”

“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”

“SOMETIME SOON”

if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.

My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”

Superman’s first day at the daily planet.

Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.

Clark: I have that, superhearing too.

My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.

Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.

I just post them. I don’t explain them.

How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12

doctor: you have no heart

me: okay wow that’s rude

doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive

demon living inside me: *to me* don’t

me: there’s a demon living inside me

demon: ugh

[psych ward]

me: this is nice they have jell-o

demon: ooo is it cherry

I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes

She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”

I’d help her, but I want to see if this works

I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.

Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.

Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.

Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”

Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Lil’ Jon: WHAT

Priest: you say “I do”

Lil’ Jon: OKAY

Priest: I do

Lil’ Jon: OKAY

Priest: I DO

Lil’ Jon: YEAH!

“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE

99 ninety nine
88 eighty eight
77 seventy seven
66 sixty six
55 fifty five
44 forty four
33 thirty three
22 twenty two
11 tenty one

Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.

Her: What if there’s lightning?

Me: Then you get to be on top…

Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.

If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.

Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….

Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?

“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.

Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.

barbara was highly relatable

finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all

You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”

The answer is always, NO.

Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”

Me: “Oh, no thank you.”

When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.

I was just discussing this with my cat