Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.

I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.

interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé

me: yes

interviewer: are you going to?

me: no

Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.

*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses

*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar

*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head

Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?

Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.

Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!

Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised

Me: *continues eating

we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone

Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD

We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.

Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives

i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related

7yo: Is that you in the picture?

Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?

9yo: You look different.

7: Yes, your face was skinnier.

9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.

Me: That’s enough fun for one day.

Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!

It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*

The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.

I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.

Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away

favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.

I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.

I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.

STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon

Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design

Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.

guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!

Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.

My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.

I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).

You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.

I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!

Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.