Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation

Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.

4yo: I had a dream about u mommy

Me: I feel so special

4yo: I flushed u down the toilet

An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.

“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.

99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.

Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.

The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.

Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.

Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.

This morning my 4yo made up the best joke I’ve ever heard???

“What do you call a carriage pulled by snakes?”

“A hiss-drawn carriage”

After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.

Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.

I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full

If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.

Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.

Friend: Who did?

Me: Yep.

In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.

You know something I’ve discovered?

This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.

It’s about the people you connect with.

Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️

My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.

I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon

awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february

“I need to get laid man!”

– eggs (in the chicken)

We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.

I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.

If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.

Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.

You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.

If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.

I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.