Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
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PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.