Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
You Might Also Like
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
mathematicians be like “the limit does not exist” ok nerd then how come I’m at mine
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
We’ve all been there
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.