Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.

*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th

Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.

Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.

People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like

Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

Me: sure

Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you

ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]

This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.

I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel

What does a cannibal eat for a snack?

Finger food.

My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.

doctor: are u sexually active

me: no i just sort of lay there

I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me

“Are you on Facebook?”

“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)

What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair

Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.

My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*

My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.

[Biblical Times]

God: oh shit

Angel: what?

God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button

You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.

Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.

Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!

Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?

Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.

The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.

The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow

I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.

boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok

[later]

announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd

me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks

Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.