Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have many caverns

a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green

“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”

Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.

[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”

I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.

MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]

In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.

Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”

Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave

If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.

I don’t make the rules.

do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”

Jesus: this is my body

disciples: *eat bread*

Jesus: this is my blood

disciples: *drink wine*

Jesus: I also made brownies

Judas: but I have diabetes

Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame

Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.

I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.

me: would you like beans?

3: no

me, trying to instill manners: no…what?

3: no beans

One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.

Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues

If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.

I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound

Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly

9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do

Hot Fuzz; Sea mine

I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.

Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.

I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s

God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?

Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad

Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…

[My funeral]

Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust

*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*

Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?

“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians

proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask

me: no you can have them