Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco
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I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
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Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.
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Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
uh oh
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Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12