Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco
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ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.