Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wonders if chickens do the funky people.

I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying.

I’m ex-static!

#DadJoke

Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..

The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.

Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?

Me: Boiling water?

Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.

[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah

Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”

Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.

{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}

me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT

Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.

Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any

Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”

My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all

Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!

Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?

I want that job. I could really screw with some people.

Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence

Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.

We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.

gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone

me: don’t worry I only breathe air

I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”

fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes

me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no

I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.

*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble

(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)