Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.

Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁

I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.

Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.

if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too

*gives you dictionary for your birthday*

wow.. i don’t know what to say

“that’s why i bought it for you”

This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.

me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk

boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days

Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.

Me: Yea, the nursing home…

When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.

Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.

ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned

VET: This is a dog

You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?

*slowly scrapes mine off*

I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.

Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers

Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why

I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.

About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.

[presidents 2km race – finish line]

OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?

CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11

Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79

*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*

Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy

Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*

After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!

For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”

17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.

Divorce… The most common home improvement project.

Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.

My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”

Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”

[On a road trip]

Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!

Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.

My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.

TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.