Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.

Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.

“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*

A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.

My favorite and only semi sane coworker just put in her two week notice this is more traumatic than my divorce

no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,

My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles

Which is why the lights stay off!

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?

I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.

do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?

Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?

Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.

Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.

I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it

Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.

Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…

*counts*

…twelve dollars.

(Don’t you judge me.)

Waiter: *sets down check*

Me: my treat

Her: thank you so much

Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what

It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?

Gift wrap? Why not!

Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.

My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.

I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery

“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”

“Yes!”

“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”

Why is my body letting me get a cold?

I gave it an orange only last week….

[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now

Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.

Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.

Her: You accepted your flaws?

Me: No. I accepted your flaws.

can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”

FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight

ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?

FRIEND: um, like…to dinner

ME: cool, cool

*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*

Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit

Me: WAIT

Adam and Eve: *Staring*

Me: You gotta wash it first

The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.