Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

no such thing as a dumb question

Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A

My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.

The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.

I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.

I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.

Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.

I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.

[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No

#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆

Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.

CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?

ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no

Imagine being reincarnated as grass?

Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.

FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?

ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it

“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%

“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%

Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!

Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.

A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.

♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫

children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat

[job interview]

My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar

The government: You’re hired

[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.

and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this

– me on my own cooking show

i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly

HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”

Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…

Ooooooh.

11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.

Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.

11: Never mind.

“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers

I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.

I call it my jingle bell rock.

[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]

OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!

hmmmmmm