Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters

If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally

If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol

Christmas combines two things I love the most, getting fat and lying to children.

WHAT SIGN IS SHE

presenting your incognito window wrapped

Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave

Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-

My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON

Last night at dusk we were playing outside and my 4yo was pretending to direct traffic as cars went by. A woman rolled down her window and very kindly said “thanks for your help!” and my 4yo, completely seriously goes “you’re welcome. You need to turn on your headlights.”

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

Her: Have you seen the salsa?

Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom

Her:

I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.

Me: So, where are you from?

Her: I’m from Canada.

Me: Wow, your English is great!

6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*

“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”

Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*

If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.

Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.

Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.

(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.

All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.

The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?

me: I’d like to represent myself

judge: ok

me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty

me: *removing mustache* wait what

William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.

“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???

My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.

I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.

PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.

Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.

I like to win arguments by backing over the other person with my car