@SoVeryBritish

“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”

Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue

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@Reverend_Scott

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-

Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE

Dinosaur 911: same color as you?

Dinosaur: YES

Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?

Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh

@sfreeze6

I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.

@Reverend_Scott

“Charlie, I want a divorce.”

[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?

@Donna_McCoy

You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.

@sofarrsogud

Son: What’s dehydrated milk?

Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.

Me: Moocaine

Wife: Why are you like this?

@atragedyoflove

my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.

@longwall26

Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.

@3sunzzz

Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!

F2: no water

F3: no chemicals

Me: Your hair is filthy.

@BradBroaddus

INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?

ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.

@MarlonBrandNO

I studied abroad for a year. But she got really creeped out and moved away.