@SoVeryBritish

“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”

Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue

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@AdamTheLobster

Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.

@DillDoes

*walking in forest*
*tree falls and makes a loud noise*
WOAH
*tree gets up*
*tree pull a knife on me*
“You didn’t hear SHIT”
*tree runs off*

@PaperWash

The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.

@PaperWash

“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”

[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine

@beefman138

I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.

@ElliotHetherton

‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic

@GingerHotDish

[During sex]

Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?

@myonlymizztake

I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.