“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”

Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue

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Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.


*walking in forest*
*tree falls and makes a loud noise*
*tree gets up*
*tree pull a knife on me*
“You didn’t hear SHIT”
*tree runs off*


The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.


“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”

[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine


I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.


‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic


[During sex]

Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?


I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.