Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
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*walking in forest*
*tree falls and makes a loud noise*
*tree gets up*
*tree pull a knife on me*
“You didn’t hear SHIT”
*tree runs off*
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
YOU WANNA PIECE OF THIS!?!?!
~me, aggressively handing out cake
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.