“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
You Might Also Like
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
This squirrel eats better than I do
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”