Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

それは草

don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???

*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late

I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.

her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else

me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us

her: who?

me: holy shit

GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess

Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself

[santa gently waking me] you live like this?

Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:

The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.

I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”

I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.

The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.

INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness

I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.

I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.

PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face

COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect

[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]

MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much

I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.

Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.

Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.

Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.

Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.

Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.

My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.

My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.

E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.

If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.

When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”

Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.

Calls for kids: Nobody responds.

Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.

Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money

1977: stayin’ alive

2020: stayin’ alive